I'm not really sure how it happened, but I'm getting married in nine days.
Today is the first day that I have felt calm about the wedding, in terms of logistics. We've finally taken a headcount, corralled the vendors, made the favors, straightened out the payments, worked up a schedule... But I keep feeling like there is something major that we've forgotten.
The only tasks that are really left are making place cards to match the already-completed (four times over) seating chart, and writing our vows. Vows! Dave really wants us to write our own, which I have been dreading since he first brought it up many months ago. We've agreed that there will not be any previews; we're each going in with our own thing, with no idea of what the other will say. The goal is to be totally honest and free that way, but it feels to me like a setup. What if I decide to be silly or serious, and he goes in the opposite direction? Will his be three lines, or five minutes long? Argh, as if the overall stress of planning the wedding wasn't enough!
Over the past year, I have seriously considered my stance on marriage. The conclusions I have come to are unsettling, to say the least. I don't believe that people are meant to be married to one person for their entire lives. By "meant", I mean that it is not a naturally-occurring phenomenon, but one that society has imposed on us as morally correct. This may be because of responsibilities expected of parents, so that there is no question of who the mother and father of any child are. Another reason could be due to sexually transmitted diseases. However, I believe both of these reasons to be modern takes on the situation, while marriage predates any history that I've uncovered.
It makes sense that men should want to "spread themselves around" to further their line, and should desire the woman in their life at that moment that is most beneficial to that end. It makes sense that a woman should be attracted to a man only so long as he is the strongest (mentally, physically, emotionally, even financially) in her life.
I am the type of person who has crushes. I love to fantasize about friends, acquaintances, celebrities, you name it, and the lives/nights/conversations we might have together if circumstances were different. I epitomize the addictive personality; somehow able to avoid drugs, I focus instead on routine, personalities, beauty, excitement, belonging...
I can't imagine spending my life with anyone other than Dave. If he is not with me, I am planning all of the stories that I can't wait to tell him when we are together again. I'm excited to share all of the experiences that we will both have, whether side by side or individually. The fact that he understands my need for freedom is one of the ties that binds us, though I question regularly whether he wishes it were somewhat different. I guess I just feel guilty that I do not want to spend every second of every single day for the entire rest of my life with any one person. I think he understands that, and maybe even agrees with me.
That still doesn't help me with my vows.
By the way, my bridal shower was on Sunday, and someone bought that espresso machine... Come on over!